Are you kidding me?

Wal-Mart, along with other retailers around this MERRY country have instructed their employees not to wish their customers a "Merry Christmas!" but instead, "Happy Holidays!" Big deal, right? Wal-Mart FIRED someone for wishing his customer a "Merry Christmas!" WAL-MART TERMINATED SOMEONE'S EMPLOYMENT FOR SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS. This is un-frickin'-believable. The people of the WORLD have been saying the words "Merry Christmas" to each other for decades. Maybe even centuries. Truth is, I googled "the roots of Merry Christmas" and all I got back were news reports of how Wal-Mart fired the one dude. I know Jews, Muslims, Mormons, Catholics, and even DEMOCRATS who wish people a "Merry Christmas!" I know Jews who don't even celebrate Christmas wish people a Merry Christmas. Here's the deal: You may not celebrate it and it may not be your thing, but a lot of the people in this country get a day off work on December 25 because it's CHRISTMAS DAY. Not "Holidays Day." CHRISTMAS.

I have an idea!

Certain Christians are saying this is a direct attack on Christianity or something like that. Okay, whatever. These same Christians hate Santa, so what say the Christians who are offended by this sudden change from "Merry Christmas!" to "Happy Holidays!" demand that Santa be taken out of every mall? See, certain Christians (I am not one of them, if you could tell) don't like Santa because if you change the letters around, it spells SATAN. Blah, Blah, Blah, SHUT UP. Regardless of how I feel about Santa, I think this is a brilliant idea (not to toot my own horn or anything). Good lord, there would be an uprising. Kids would cry because Santa wouldn't be around. Parents would rejoice, however, because they wouldn't have to stand in line for hours to wait for their whining, crying, spoiled rotten, undisciplined kid to take a picture with Satan, er... Santa. So, Wal-Mart, what say you? You can take away "Merry Christmas!" and Christian's can take away Santa Clause. Well?

I have another idea!

If we change from "Merry Christmas!" to "Happy Holidays!" I think that the workers of The United States of America should get every holiday off. The Chinese New Year is on December 1, right? There's a day off work. Hannukah? EIGHT FRICKIN' DAYS! I'll take eight days off work, won't you? Kwanzaa.... eh, who cares about Kwanzaa they're probably making that crap up anyways. When is Buddha's birthday? I wanna know, because I want to not work on that day. L. Ron Hubbard's birthday could be a holiday. Eh, who cares about him anymore, let's celebrate the birth of the Scientology messiah, the forthcoming (and foretold) child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes! When was it foretold, you ask? Well, let me do a very jewish thing and answer that question with another question: Is there a better candidate for who the Antichrist will be?

Now, for another point. Not really an idea, yet. Think of all the things that we will have to abandon if Christmas is abandoned as well (in no particular order, just as I think of them).

1. Calendars. Every single calendar in the world or on a computer would have to be changed. So, start saying your farewells to the rainforest, because lots and lots of trees would be destroyed. Then again, we could just make the paper out of the Christmas trees that would no longer be in peoples' homes.
2. Charlie Brown Christmas. Bye-bye to the catchy Peanuts theme, "Linus and Lucy," adieu to Linus' blue blanket, fare-thee-well to "Christmas Time is Here."
3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It would have to be renamed "National Lampoon's Holiday Vacation." The good ol' fashioned family "HOLIDAY" just wouldn't be the same.
4. Pine trees. I mean seriously, see-ya-later to those suckers. The only reason they're kept around anymore is for Christmas.
5. Christmas Music. I can't stand most of it, but could you imagine living on without ever hearing Bing Crosby and David Bowie sing "Little Drummer Boy" or Elvis Presley singing "Blue Christmas." I'll have a bluuueeee Holiday without you, I'll be so blue thinking about you. Decorations of red on a green ... uhhh... ummm... what else is green.... uhhh... crap... geez.... hmmmm... ahhh... uhhh... uhhmmmm... greennnnnnnnnnn... uhhhhhh... eh screw it this song sucks now.
6. Santa Clause's saying. "Ho-Ho-Ho! Happy Holidays!" Yeah, it doesn't work, buddy.

That's just a few for now. I just thought of something. Someone had to have gotten offended by "Merry Christmas" for this whole ordeal to happen. I bet it was a Jew. Then again, I'm sure it's just an atheist or agnostic person who hates God because he had a bad Christmas one year. Seriously, the guy who started this whole thing is pissed off because God didn't give him a Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers MEGAZORD toy in 1994. What a sad, sad man.

Obviously, when I first thought about writing about this, I saw great potential for comedy. But in all seriousness, this is making a joke of our country. And the last thing we need right now is another reason for other countries to mock us or look at us and say "Stupid Americans." We just HAND them these opportunities though. Big American corporations make a STUPID decision and the government follows suit, leaving that GAPING gap for other countries to laugh at us. Oh, and here's another thing: It's Wal-Mart! Aren't they supposed to be a Christian establishment anyway? If you could see the look on my face right now, I think it's the only way that could describe this feeling. I just don't get it.

Until further stupifying moments,

Ryan J. Schwimmer